Arnav sat on the floor, leaning against his bed, the golden liquid
in his glass moving against the little blocks of ice as he brought it to his
lips and took another sip, letting it flow through him, numbing his senses. The
bottle lay on the floor, already half finished. He honestly could not remember
drinking so much in a long time. His glazed eyes, now bloodshot hovered through
the collage of pictures up on his wall once more. They were snaps spreading
over too many years, from their first meeting, all stuck up by Khushi. Should
he have taken a picture today for their last? In the top left hand corner was a
picture from the first time they had met, the lighting was bad and their skin
colour was an unusual hue of grey, there was an awkward distance between them,
not too close, not too far apart as their heads came together to smile for the
picture. He still remembered it like it was only yesterday.
A memory:
He sat in the restaurant with a friend, first week of uni and he
was already fed up of attempting to cook his own meals. "Dude this place
is packed!" NK exclaimed. "Freshers," he replied simply, rolling
his eyes. "Yeh but this is mad, like there are no seats left. And
apparently a group of them are supposed to be meeting here." Arnav looked
at him questioningly for a second, lifting his eye brow, "and you
know this how?" "A man has to do his stalking," NK winked in
reply, "and the girls are pretty decent this time round," he added in
as if to justify himself. Cocking up his eyebrow and smirking Arnav took his
drink and sipped it again when suddenly a loud happy voice chirped from next to
him, "Hey!" He looked up immediately to a dazzlingly beautiful face,
a breathtaking smile firmly planted on it. The orbs of her eyes almost golden
in appearance, glittering with an over-flowing happiness, adorned with long,
flared dark lashes. Her skin was milky and smooth, an oval face framed in
straightened black layered hair. A slow smile spread over his lips and before
he stared at her for too long he managed to murmur a quiet "hi". From
the corner of his eyes he could see NK gaping at her. "Erm, there aren't
any seats left and you guys have a booth so I was wondering if we could join
you?" "Erm," he blinked for a split second, arranging his thoughts,
"yeh of course," he finally managed to reply and smiling shuffled
over as NK did the same.
He closed his eyes as he played that first ever image of her over
and over again in his mind. They had hit it off instantly, formed a connection
that they had never hoped to break. She brought an unusual sort of happiness
into his otherwise desolate life and he had held onto it ever since, like a
life-line, almost craving for every moment with her. His eyes hovered over the
next few pictures, him lying on the couch with his hands hiding his face whilst
Khushi smiled into the camera and clicked a picture of them. Another with them
lying on their stomachs on the beach, books lay in front of them as a blinding
sun shone in the background, the sky blue and cloudless. And his mind flashed back
through all of their summers that they'd spent reading either at the beach or
when it rained in her cosy little flat. All the memories that they shared and
he didn't know if he could leave her anymore. This was the first time that he
was so close to just letting her go and finally walking away but now that he
was here, at that point he knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't leave her. But
he had to right? He should leave her!
He took his phone out of his pocket and sliding it on, his fingers
hovered over her number, his mind whirring through a whirlwind of thoughts and
craving desperately just to hear her voice once. To make sure that she was
okay.
Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone ‘cause
I can’t fight it anymore
Khushi finally gave in and took a slice of pizza out of the box
and bit a piece off and slowly chewing it swallowed it with difficulty,
her throat dry and constricted. She then tossed it back into the box, a fresh
batch of tears flowing down her cheeks. She stared into the distance, her
thoughts lost in a tangle. So many people were suddenly letting her down, two
people that she loved almost equally had both managed to break her heart
irrevocably within the space of twenty-four hours. How could Arnav do this to
her? He was at least supposed to be there for her right? He had known about
Aakash all along and kept quiet about it, what was she supposed to make of
that? And the way he had admitted to it, she thought with rage now, it was as
if he didn't even see it as a mistake! And her father! It was as if her mind
had now begun to go numb against any thoughts of him, was what he did even
forgivable? There wasn't an excuse for that sort of thing. Or was she always
brought up to be just sold off? Like one of those pigs that get nurtured so
lovingly only to be slaughtered. She broke out of her thoughts for a few
seconds to the sound of her home phone going off, she let it ring, the sound
slowly fading out of her mind as she focused back on her thoughts. Would Arnav
even come back? He could have just waited and not left, he knew that she needed
someone there? Was he just looking for an opportunity to get away from her?
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
"Hi, you've reached Khushi! Not able to take your call right
now. Obviously! So leave a message!" He listened to her sing song voice
chirp through the phone, he waited till he heard the beep then cut off the
call, leaning his head against his bed he scrunched his eyes shut unable to
take the agony coursing through him. If only he could move themselves into a
parallel universe where everything was right and he was the perfect guy with a
non-fucked up life.
It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call
But I’ve lost all control
And I need you now
Khushi attempted to figure out where
exactly it had even gone wrong. Her thoughts landing on Aakash every time. If
only she hadn't gone out with that useless piece of trash. Yes that was what he
was, she thought with rage building up inside her again, the blood rushing
through her all of a sudden.
A memory:
"Do you think I should go out
with Aakash?" She questioned, awaiting another shocked or disgusted face.
His reactions were sort of amusing. She was playing upon one of her plans, if
he was ignorant enough to not notice what they had she might as well show him.
Jealousy always worked in films right? She watched his face carefully as he
continued to play with his phone as if he hadn't even heard her. "ARNAV!
Aakash? Should I go out with him?" She questioned again, frowning and
making a face. "Erm yeh why not. You seem to like him enough, so
yeh," he shrugged indifferently. Her eyes widened in shock immediately and
she had to control herself from not letting her jaw drop with the shock of what
he had just said. No no no! This was not how it was supposed to happen! He was
supposed to tell her to shut the hell up tell her that she couldn't go out with
anyone else because he loved her! She felt warm tears gather at the edge of her
eyes and too shaken to take this new form of denial she looked away, hiding the
quickly gathering tears from him.
When she turned around he was
watching her curiously, almost in bewilderment and she quickly plastered a
smile to her face. "Well that's great!" She managed to say, her voice
a bit too high-pitched, "I guess I'll say yes to him," she smiled
more confidently and with that got up and walked away.
And that one little action on his
behalf had made her decision for her and she had given someone else a chance;
that someone else being Aakash. Her heart pained from thinking through that
again, an image she had pushed to the dark depths of her mind, Aakash in some
other woman's arms, more dreams crashing down in front of her eyes. Was she so
insignificant? So incompetent? Her sobs came out loud and ragged again as she
finally put her mind to it, how unloved she was.
But at the end of it all, she
couldn't understand Arnav. She didn't know if it was her or him that was stupid
anymore. She couldn't blame it on ignorance anymore, she had told him, in full
consciousness what she felt for him. He had to know right? How difficult was it
to understand? He cared enough to bring her thousands of miles away from
danger, he cared enough to attempt to hide her own problems from her and he
cared enough to order her food and yet he wouldn't admit his love for her. She wiped away at
her cheeks harshly, her nails digging into the material of her couch, what was
it then? Why couldn't someone tell her what this was? "Stop it Khushi!
Stop it! Didn't you decide to just forget him! You don't need anyone that
doesn't need you!" She screamed to herself in determination. She wasn't a
charity case damn it! Hot tears sprang out of her eyes once more and she wiped
at them furiously. "Stop crying Khushi!" She screamed through the
sobs, her voice raw and cracked.
And I don’t know how
I can do without
I just need you now
And as the darkness slowly closed up
a long summer day their anguish must have collided in the skies and the stars
bore witness to two broken souls gazing out at the tenebrous sky.
It’s a quarter after one
I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call
But I’ve lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now...
****
Arundathi awoke to the faint smell of
oil, her eyes opening gradually, her eyelids still droopy. She looked to her
surroundings bewildered for a few seconds. She was lying on a bed, their was a
dull ache to her thighs. The dim light being emitted through the window cast
shadows on some odd pieces of furniture around what looked like a small room.
She tried to get up but felt her arms bound by the wrist, something cutting at
them at the tiniest of movement. Moaning with pain she attempted to make out
what was wrong with her, she tried to move her legs but they too seemed to be
bound by something. And suddenly it dawned upon her, someone had grabbed her from
behind and she'd blacked out. Her eyes widened in horror as she tried to
comprehend this fact. She had been on her way to get a flight to Aberdeen. So
was she kidnapped?
****
"I can't get through to her! Damn it!" Aakash exclaimed
on hearing Arundathi's phone reach voicemail for the umpteenth time. He was pacing
about the room, trying to make sense of the situation when her soft arm rested
on his shoulder.
"Don't worry Aakash she maybe got the flight as soon as she
got there. So just give it a few hours," she reassured him, taking his
hands into hers.
"No Payal but I'm pretty sure there's only one flight a day
to Aberdeen from Delhi," he murmured taking her into his embrace.
"Aakash just calm down, I'm sure she's fine," she
replied tenderly, leaning back and slowly undoing the buttons on his shirt. She
knew it was not the right time, but she had to say it. There was still no word
from Lavanya, god knew where she was, that's if she was still okay. She prayed
to god La was still okay.
"Aakash," she murmured, "are you still getting
married to Khushi?"
Aakash stared at her in disbelief for a moment then pushed her away
harshly. "What the hell is wrong with you Payal? I'm here worried sick
about my mother and you're asking me if I'm getting married to Khushi?!"
He screamed, rage consuming him once more.
But Payal stood her ground and stared at him pointedly, her eyes
burning with the same rage. "Aakash! I am sick and tired of being part of
this bloody game! I deserve to know what's happening!" She replied in an
equally stern voice.
"Well if you really need to know she found out about this
bloody relationship! That's why this is all such a fucking mess!" He
yelled, done with providing excuses, moving away from her entirely. "So
now we need to hunt that bitch down and kill her!"
Payals eyes almost popped out of her sockets and she gulped as the
fear that rose through her sent a shiver down her spine. "You... you're
going to ... kill her?" She managed to stutter out, watching him with
incredulity.
"Well what else are we supposed to do?" He questioned as
if to justify himself.
Payal felt nauseous, she had felt the cold, steely wrath of Arnav Singh Raizada, seen the unnerving all consuming rage dance upon his charred caramel pupils and she was not sure if she had it in her to continue to support Aakash. She felt his hands enclose hers once again but
she removed them, stepping away from him.
"Payal?" He almost whispered, hurt clear in his eyes.
But she shook her head, inching away from him towards the door.
"I'm sorry Aakash. I... I can't do this anymore. I need to find La. I'm sorry,"
she spoke, her voice almost inaudible, then let herself out of the door.
****
It wasn't a summer day, no the sun was no where to be seen, almost
as if it was mirroring her inner turmoil. Specks of light grey pierced through
the heavy grim clouds, a large dark cloud hovered away in the horizon. The
trees dipped to the rhythm of the strong gusts of wind, their leaves although
green clung on for fear of an autumn breeze. The sound of an engine roaring to
life, concentrated quietness, the distant sound of cars along the main road, a
toot of a horn. Her feet hit the ground rhythmically and she slowed her pace to
turn the corner. The grey granite of the buildings adding to the gloom that
spread over a city with too many people awaiting a sunny summer. Her mind
went back to the days in the past, two hot mugs of hot chocolate, whipped cream
dripping over the rims onto coasters, his body splayed over the large couch, her own folded in the smaller one. Although they'd went their own separate
ways after uni; she had taken up work in Aberdeen, he had become engrossed in
his own work; they had still managed to find time for themselves. A skype
conversation there, a coffee here, a surprise at the door, he had never been
completely far from her life. And maybe that's why this was so difficult,
they'd unknowingly become so tangled up in each others daily lives that it was
now seemingly impossible to just pack up and move on, move away. Maybe it
wasn't difficult for him but it was for her.
Don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting
for
I’ll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you, that would make
you hurt like me
All the same
I don’t want mudslinging games
It’s such a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the
tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your
mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The overgrown grass tickled at her ankles as she jogged past them,
on the mud path cut out that led to the beach. The solemn sky slowly darkening,
almost winter in appearance, or maybe early spring. Her heart was beating
erratically in her chest and she was rapidly running out of breath but she
continued at her fast pace, ignoring the pain in her legs.
A memory:
"Come on slow coach! Hurry up! I've ran all the way down
from my flat just so that you'd have a jogging partner! Not a walking
one!" He exclaimed from the front, his voice booming through the silent
morning as the first bright rays of the sun pierced through the sky. "Shut
up! This isn't jogging this is marathon running! Slow down!" She screamed
then came to a slow stop feeling her legs almost give way underneath her.
"This is like bloody military training!" She yelled, bending down and
resting her hands on her thighs, letting out loud exhausted breaths. He came to
a stop a few seconds later then proceeded to walk back towards her, rolling his
eyes he sat himself against the wall and pulled her down next to him.
"Next time just stick to driving to the beach," he chuckled.
But they'd continued the ritual until the end of uni, then he had
left and she'd only jogged once in a while, if the sun was out and the beach
dazzled from it's rays.
Don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
This day’s spinning circus on a wheel
Shut it out
I’ve got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down
Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the
tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your
mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
She leaned over the grey brick wall
and watched as the waves lapped and battled against each other. As the dark
blue colour gave way to hues of lighter blue then bubbles of white. As one wave
collided into another then almost became one. As large waves missed their
plight, hitting itself only into another wave of water and then as it all edged
forward together then lapped onto the dark brown sand of the beach, drenching
it with it's salty taste then edged back once more, taking with it more of the
shells and the pebbles and the dark strands of sea weed. The salty breeze hit
her, the torrents of it stronger than what it was further away and goosebumps
appeared on her soft skin, sending a shiver down her spine. She remembered her
fathers hand on her head, reassuring safety, that he'd always be there, her
mothers tender kiss, her twinkling kind eyes and finally Arnav's warm,
protective embrace and tears trickled down her face as she held onto the black
railing for support. Her tears collided off of one another as they fell in
large spurts and trailed down her chin. She felt the first drops of rain, small
and infrequent, almost non-existent as they mingled with her salty tears. And
she hugged herself as the loud sobs racked through her body, not caring for
once for what anyone thought.
I’ll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But
Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the
tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your
mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day’s still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?
He stood at the other side of the road, his eyes glazed as he
watched her break down completely, her fragile body shaking with the torrents
of grief racking through her and his feet started moving fn their own accord.
He'd known he'd find her here, he'd just wanted to make sure that she was okay.
But she wasn't okay and nor was he. Before he knew it he was behind her, the
sound of her agonizing sobs reverberating in his ears. The rain drops were
larger now, more frequent and she stilled as his hand fell on her shoulder.
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